


The Making of Shakarian

by SmokeysWife



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Friendship, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 16:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18525394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmokeysWife/pseuds/SmokeysWife
Summary: Not a romance fic, although could be considered pre-relationship I suppose. This is a short fic about the test Shepard's death and resurrection put on her friendship with Garrus and how they worked their way through it.





	1. Shepard

**Author's Note:**

> It always annoyed me how nobody really mentions the psychological effects of Shepard's death in game. This was a short fic that I wrote during my last playthrough to fill the gap. I hope you enjoy it. As usual I own nothing - thanks Bioware for creating such fab characters for us to play with:)

She barely registered the air being forced from her lungs as the impact of the debris buffeted her across the corridor and away from the escape pod. She could just make out Joker’s terrified face through the flames as she used the last ounce of her strength to push the eject button before the pressure differential sucked her out, into the void.

The Normandy grew smaller at an alarming rate as she was thrown from the vicinity, the ship disintegrating before her eyes. The breath caught in her throat and then her eyes widened as she recognised the low hiss that interrupted the silence. Clawing at the back of the suit, she quickly felt the detached airtube, her chest compressing painfully as she struggled to reconnect, her lungs burning for the air they could not receive, her vision swimming…

 

Her eyes slammed open in the darkness, the stars still drifting past above her. The blood rushed in her ears, her heart pounding painfully against her ribs as she struggled to recover her breathing, a heavy ache pinning her to the bed as the tears streamed down her cheeks.

“Commander, do you require assistance?”

The soft voice of the ship’s AI slowly permeated her consciousness. Throwing herself from the bed she fell onto the floor with a thud, panting and shaking.

“Commander, I will call Dr Chakwas.”

“No!” she cried, before swallowing hard and forcing herself to speak more normally. “No, I’m fine, EDI. Just a bad dream that’s all.”

“Commander, your vital signs…”

“That was an order, EDI.”

“Understood, Commander.”

When she could no longer hear the pulse pounding in her ears she sat back onto her heels, wincing at the fresh bruises on her knees. She drew a shaky breath as she wiped the tears from her cheeks and inspected the stinging on her elbow. Blood speckled along the graze, but it appeared to be surface damage only.  
She looked around the room properly, taking in her surroundings for the first time. They really had spared no expense, she thought wryly as she took in the fish tanks. Her gaze travelled upwards, dropping immediately as she found the skylight that covered most of the ceiling. Swearing softly she grabbed the bedding and shuffled over to the desk area. This would have to do.

 

“Mr Moreau, could you explain the nature of dreams to me?”  
Joker didn’t bother to suppress a sigh. He glanced at the cancer otherwise known as EDI.

“What do you want to know, EDI?”

“My databanks describe dreams as a series of images and sensations experienced during sleep. Are you able to differentiate between dreaming and the real world?”

“Is this going to be the bit where you reveal we’re already living in the Matrix?”

“I’m afraid I do not understand that reference, Mr Moreau.”

Joker let out another loud sigh and rubbed a hand across his face.

“Never mind. No. When we dream, it often feels real. Why?”

“I was curious as to why a dream would trigger a physical response.”

Joker opened his mouth to ask more, thought about some of his dreams, and decided he didn’t want to. Shaking his head he turned back to the console in front of him.

 

***

 

Shepard tried to bite down on the anxiety that was slowly gnawing away at her as she walked away from the armoury. She’d been so relieved to find Garrus on Omega, but other than catching up on what he’d been doing for the past two years, he’d barely spoken to her, brushing her off with comments about calibrations every time she approached him for anything other than a tactical assessment of their situation. She tried not to take it personally, but it was beginning to get to her.

“Commander, the Illusive Man wishes to talk to you in the briefing room.”

Shepard suppressed the urge to roll her eyes and made an about turn. What now?

 

The now turned out to be a Collector raid on a human colony on Horizon. Shepard sat tensely in the shuttle, grateful for the privacy her helmet provided as she tried to process the tumult of emotions that ran through her at the thought of seeing Kaidan again. Taking a deep breath, she stood, drawing her weapon as she waited for the shuttle door to open.

 

It was a tough fight, and Shepard looked up in defeat as she saw the Collector ship sail off into the distance. She had no way of knowing if Kaidan was on the ship or not. She was vaguely aware of comforting one of the colonists left behind when a male voice spoke behind her and time seemed to stand still. A wave of relief and anxiety rushed through her as she turned slowly.

The corner of her mouth twitched. He hadn’t changed. She fought back the urge to hug him, accepting the hand he offered instead.

“It’s good to see you, Kaidan.”

“Is that all you’ve got to say? Two years and you just show up like nothing happened? I would have followed you anywhere, Commander. Thinking you were gone, it was like losing a limb. Why didn’t you try to contact me? Why didn’t you let me know you were alive?”

“Not my choice,’ she said, fighting to keep her voice steady. “I spent the past two years in some kind of coma while Cerberus rebuilt me.”

“You’re with Cerberus now.”

She couldn’t help the flinch at the disgust in his voice. She didn’t know what she said in return, grateful once again for the helmet that shielded her face, as tears pricked at her eyes. He was right. She was working for an organisation that stood for everything she had fought against. Would she even know if they had brought her back different? Changed her somehow?

She shook herself, finding her voice just as he was walking away.

“I could use someone like you on my crew, Kaidan,” she said, her voice mercifully steady. “It would be just like old times.”

“No it won’t,” he said, turning back to her. “I’ll never work for Cerberus. Goodbye Shepard. And… be careful.”

She watched as he walked away, the tears threatening to spill over. Garrus shifted uncomfortably behind her, and she could feel the awkward silence of Joker listening in on the comm.

“Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up. I’ve had enough of this colony.”

 

Joker turned as he heard the ground crew enter the ship.

“Hey Commander…” he began, but Shepard didn’t register him, ignoring everyone as she walked straight to the elevator.

“Garrus?” he called as the turian followed the CO onto the deck.

“Not know, Joker. I’ve got some calibrations to see to.”

Joker hissed in frustration and turned back to his console.

 

It was the next day before Shepard left her quarters. Despite her best efforts, she couldn’t hide the dark circles under her eyes but she forced herself to do her rounds in her usual friendly manner, taking time to listen to her crew and get to know her ship. If she seemed a bit distracted, her smile a little strained, nobody commented.

She left the armoury until last. She desperately needed Garrus to talk to her right now, to prove to her that he, at least, still trusted her. That he didn’t see her as a traitor, didn’t blame her for working with Cerberus.

“Shepard,” he said, turning to face her as she entered the armoury. “Need me for something?”

“Got a minute?”

“Can it wait for a bit? I’m in the middle of some calibrations?”

Shepard felt the ever-ready tears prick at her eyes again and forced a smile.

“Talk to you later, Garrus.”

She walked out of the armoury as naturally as possible, holding her head high as she walked through the mess to the elevator. As the elevator doors closed to take her to her quarters she sank down onto the floor and sobbed.

 

***

 

Shepard buried herself in her work. She’d been brought back to stop the Collectors, and that is what she would do. There were a few highlights. She was delighted when Tali joined the crew, but like Garrus, the quarian seemed to keep her distance when she realised Shepard wasn’t trying to subvert Cerberus from within.

Tali and Garrus weren’t the only old friends she was reunited with. Liara had been genuinely pleased to see her on Ilium, but the meeting had been short-lived and Shepard had left more concerned for her friend than relieved. The asari had changed in their time apart, and Liara had lost the innocence she had when they first met. Shepard was almost happy when it came to depart.

With Ilium came two new crew members, as the Normandy was joined by Thane and Samara. Thane carried an old hurt that made Shepard reluctant to add to his burdens, and Samara chose the observation deck as her haunt. Shepard had to steel herself to face the view every time she needed to speak to the Justicar. Despite her growing team, she felt more isolated than ever.

 

“Commander, Garrus would like to see you.”

Shepard blinked in surprise at Kelly, before smiling her thanks and almost jogging to the elevator. She had almost given up on speaking to Garrus, but perhaps he was finally starting to trust her again. She took a deep breath before walking into the armoury with a smile.

“Shepard, I’m glad you came by. I’ve got something. You remember Sidonis…?”

Shepard felt the smile slip from her face as she realised that she couldn’t have been more wrong. Like everyone else, Garrus needed something from her. Swallowing she nodded, listening carefully as Garrus explained the situation and what he needed, focusing her attention on the mission parameters. When she was done she went to her makeshift den in her quarters and rolled with her face to the desk back. She didn’t even have the emotion to cry any more.


	2. Garrus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It always annoyed me how nobody really mentions the psychological effects of Shepard's death in game. This was a short fic that I wrote during my last playthrough to fill the gap. I hope you enjoy it. As usual I own nothing - thanks Bioware for creating such fab characters for us to play with:)

Garrus jumped out of the shuttle behind Grunt, looking around with interest. He had never been to Tuchanka before, but so far it was living up to expectations. His eyes alighted on the Commander walking in front of them, marvelling how she did it. She had pulled together one of the most motley crews he had ever seen, but she was slowly winning them over one by one. She had stopped him from killing Sidonis and he knew half the squad owed her a similar debt. Hell, she had managed to sway the Quarian admiralty board on Tali’s behalf with just her word.

“Wrex?!”

Garrus was pulled short from his musings by Shepard’s exclamation and he watched as the clan chief and former SR1 squad member greeted his CO.

“How’s the Normandy?”

“Destroyed in a collector surprise attack. I ended up spaced.”

Garrus looked at Shepard in surprise; it was the first time he had heard her speak of the attack.

“Well you look good,” Wrex was saying. “The benefits of a redundant nervous system.”

Garrus watched as an expression he couldn’t read flickered across the commander’s face.

“Yeah, humans don’t have that,” she replied, deadpan.

“Oh. It must have been painful then,” Wrex said, glancing briefly at Garrus. “But you’re standing here and you’ve got a strong new ship.”

Garrus tuned out as Wrex and Shepard started moving onto safer ground, his eyes trained on her. He found himself wishing he knew more about human body language; it was hard for him to interpret the slight glassiness to her eyes or the flushed cheeks.

“Garrus?” he jolted out of his reverie to find Wrex addressing him. “A word while Shepard goes with the whelp to speak with the shaman.”

“Of course, Wrex.”

Wrex nodded his satisfaction, watching as Shepard and Grunt walked off before turning to Garrus.

“She is not okay.”

Garrus blinked, his mandibles twitching. “What do you mean?”

“I may not know much about humans but I’ve played enough Skyllian 5 with Shepard to know when she’s bluffing.”

They turned at the sound of a thud followed by laughter, and Uvenk coming down from the upper levels, blood coming from his nose, followed by Shepard and a jubilant Grunt. Wrex let out a low chuckle.

“She hasn’t lost all her fire yet then.” He turned back to Garrus with a steely look. “Keep an eye on her.”

 

“Joker, do you have a minute?”

Joker wheeled his chair around in surprise.

“Garrus! You mean, you don’t have any calibrations?”

Garrus blinked before taking the chair next to the pilot.

“I wanted to speak to you about, Shepard. The Commander does not seem to be… okay.”

Joker looked at Garrus in disbelief.

“You have just realised that the Commander is not okay? Jesus, Garrus. I knew you had something shoved up your arse, I didn’t realise it was your head!”

“I believe Mr Moreau is trying to communicate that he has been concerned about the Commander for some time.”

“Thank you, EDI. I gathered that.” Garrus sighed. “What’s wrong with her?”

“Damned if I know. She won’t talk to me about it. She might have spoken to you if you hadn’t been too busy with “calibrations” every time she came to see you,” Joker said, marking the quotations with his hands.

“What are you talking about? She hasn’t come to see me in…” Garrus broke off, thinking back to when he first came on board. She’d tried to talk to him on half a dozen occasions and each time he had fobbed her off, too engrossed in thoughts of revenge that he hadn’t even considered how she was. He hadn’t even noticed when she’d stopped trying. “Shit.”

He sat back in the chair. “What about Tali, do you think she’d know?”

“Tali has been pretty standoffish with anyone she considers “Cerberus” since she got on board, including me. I can’t imagine the Commander was any different. After all that stuff with the admiralty board, I imagine she’s realised Shepard’s still Shepard, but…”

“Too little, too late,” Garrus finished for him. Joker nodded. Garrus looked at the AI unit. “EDI, where is Shepard now?”

“Commander Shepard is currently in her quarters.”

“Right,” Garrus said, standing. “I think I have an apology to make.”

 

Garrus hesitated as he stepped out of the elevator onto the fourth floor.

“Shepard?” he called out, taking a step forward. There was some shuffling in the room beyond and then Shepard came into view.

“Garrus? What can I do for you?”

Even with his inexperience of humans, Garrus could tell that the Commander looked exhausted. There were dark circles under her eyes and her skin was paler than usual.

“I wanted to see how you are,” he said taking a step forward. For a moment he thought he saw something flicker in her eyes, before she turned away and walked back into the room.

“I’m fine. Just tired is all,” she said. He watched as she seated herself back down at her desk.

“Nice quarters,” he said, his eyes roving around the room until they landed on the bare bed. Shepard made a non-committal noise and continued working at her terminal. His gaze landed on her again, taking in the frown lines on her forehead, before travelling lower and spotting the pile of bedding under the desk.

“Shepard, why are you sleeping under your desk?”

She stiffened, her gaze lifting to look beyond the model ship collection to the bed. She let out a soft curse beneath her breath, before her shoulders sagged.

“I find it hard to sleep in the bed,” she said, her eyes staring at the model Sovereign directly in front of her.

“Why?”

She sighed, sneaking a look in Garrus direction.

“Would you believe me if I said the bed was too soft?”

“Probably not.”

“Look up,” she said, her gaze resolutely on the floor. Garrus frowned but followed her instruction, his gaze travelling across the ceiling until he noticed the skylight.

“The viewing window? But why-?” he broke off, remembering the conversation Shepard had with Wrex on Tuchanka. “You remember. Shit, Shepard, why didn’t you tell me? Have you told anyone?”

Shepard wiped a hand across her eyes and shrugged.

“Shepard, we’re meant to be friends,” he said crouching down in front of her.

“Friends?” she whispered, looking up at him so that he could see the tears running down her cheeks. She shook her head. “We’re not friends, Garrus. Friends believe in each other, they trust each other to do good. They… they support each other.”

She let out a hiccough as she paused for air.

“But you, Tali, Kaidan… All of you. I would have helped you no matter what! I have helped you! And what have you done?! Kaidan might have called me a traitor but at least he had the decency to call me out about it to my face. You and Tali have just avoided me, shut me out when I…”

She broke off, burying her head into her hands, her shoulders wracked with sobs. Garrus reached out and gently placed his hands on her shoulders.

“You think I shut you out because of Cerberus?”

“Didn’t you?” was the muffled response.

“No! I’m sorry, Shepard, I didn’t even realise I was doing it, I just… I was too wrapped up in Sidonis, in my own problems. I never even considered…” he swallowed hard. “I’m here now, if you want to talk.”

For several minutes all that could be heard was the sound of Shepard trying to get her tears under control but eventually the sobbing stopped and she drew a shaky hand across her face. She looked up at Garrus with puffy, red-rimmed eyes and offered him a weak smile.

“I… I don’t…” she stopped as tears threatened to spill over again.

“It’s okay,” he said. He looked down at the den she had built for herself. “Would you feel better in your… nest?”

She let out a low chuckle and nodded. Slipping down onto the floor she crawled into the corner, pulling the duvet around her as she patted a cushion next to her. Garrus made his way under the desk with difficulty, his larger size and less flexible frame making it awkward.

“Has anyone told you what happened when the Normandy… when she went down?” she asked, sniffing slightly as she fiddled with the edge of the cover.

“Joker filled me in on the basics,” Garrus said. She nodded.

“Well I guess I should start from there.”

Garrus listened in silence as she described her last moments. He could only imagine the horror and fear she must have felt as she realised she was suffocating.

“I get dreams,” she said. “I feel like I’m dying all over again. The first night… The first night onboard, I was so tired I didn’t even register the skylight and when I woke up from dying it was like I was still in space.”

Garrus nodded his understanding. “And you haven’t used the bed since?”

She shook her head. “I know, logically the viewing ports are at least as strong as the rest of the hull, but to me…” She suppressed a shudder.

“This is why you avoid the observation decks?”

Shepard nodded. “I was worried Samara would think it was her. She must have seen how uncomfortable I am when I go to speak to her.”

“Why didn’t you speak to Dr Chakwas? Or Mordin? They could have given you something. A sedative? Counselling?”

“I couldn’t. Karin… She sees me as this figurehead, something to aspire to. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her. And Mordin… I couldn’t trust he wouldn’t say anything to Miranda.”

“Miranda?”

Shepard let out a harsh laugh. “You didn’t think it was a coincidence that my bed has the galaxy’s largest viewing port over it do you? The Illusive Man is clearly testing me somehow. I didn’t want to let him know he’d got to me.”

“After all that stuff with her sister, I’m pretty certain Miranda would take your lead over the Illusive Man’s these days.”

“Perhaps you’re right,” Shepard said, wiping her nose with her sleeve. “But I got into the habit of keeping it to myself.”

She let out a loud sigh and looked at her hands.

“When I first got onboard, it was just Joker, Karin, Miranda and Jacob. I couldn’t trust Cerberus and I couldn’t bring myself to talk to Karin about it and Joker… he already blames himself for what happened. I couldn’t add to that.

“I was so relieved when we found you on Omega. It was someone else I knew I could trust implicitly.”

“I’m sorry, Shepard.”

“It’s okay,” she said, nudging her shoulder against his. “It’s as much my fault as yours. I think… I was doubting myself. I didn’t know what Cerberus had done to me to bring me back. I was pretty certain I was still me, I had all my memories, but I was being forced to work with an organisation I’d spent most of my career fighting. And then when we saw Kaidan on Horizon… 

“I was just so relieved he was alive, you know? But he said everything I’d been wondering about myself. I was closer to Kaidan than anyone, and if he could believe that about me… Well, I guess I just assumed the rest of you did as well. It didn’t occur to me that you were pushing everyone out. I just assumed it was personal.”

“For the record, Shepard, you are one of the most honourable people I have ever worked with. You’re a good friend, and I owe you more than I will ever be able to repay. I’ve got your back, whenever you need it.”

She turned smile at him and he was alarmed to see tears in her eyes again.

“Thanks, Garrus.”

“You’re still crying.”

“These are happy tears.”

“Happy tears?”

“It’s a human thing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading:)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!:)


End file.
